Xtremeidiots - Home Of The Idiots

 

Possibly best if you shield this "Earthy" note from delicate viewers
         *********************************************
Can you relate
        to this?chili

WARNING: ONLY
        Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.  You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to
shit yourself' road-kill chili.  Tasty stuff, although hot to the  point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
        
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after  two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony  referred to as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of
 reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for
Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I  selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.  The chilies from the night  before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction  of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened..  The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for  fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so
 slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
 began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned
clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be  to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?  Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I  could have warned that poor clerk, but didn't.  I simply watched as  he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and  running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his headas though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
        

Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep things  'clamped down', if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw an
 explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so
 loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
 ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a  shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming,
 and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a  cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion
 took place.

Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of tim   I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the  toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.'  He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
        'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?',
then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
 partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a   store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step  outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager is going to run the vent fans
on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
        

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases
 to escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his  apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
  shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
 manager.  I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and
 asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at Lowe's.  I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.  Bastards claim they're going to have to  repaint the store.


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